The Dance of Chaos:
Day #12 of Doodle Experiments in White on Black
Bouncing back the other direction
I had a student once who was desperate for a job and couldn’t get one. ( Not unlike me at the moment) He tried doing door to door sales and door after door was slammed in his face. He got the idea to buy those doors, “No solicitors, please,” and took these back to the doors that were slammed in his face. Everyone bought a sign from him.
It’s a great example of learning from feedback. He figured out what people wanted and gave it to them.
Though I understand this in principle, I have not been particularly good at it in practice.
I’ve been trying on each resume to repackage myself, to convince myself and my potential employers that I have the skills to do the job ( which I do), but mostly I’ve been getting rejections because there are other signs I am not what they are looking for. I have never been terribly good at fitting in, and working hard and long to make up for it, has always been my solution.
But thinking about that student today, I wonder if perhaps I needed to read the feedback differently. Perhaps those places where I am trying to fit in, even if they were willing to take me on, are not hospitable places — one can only hold oneself in for so long. Or at least, I have only been able to manage it for about six months, before the parts I’ve been trying to tamp down, begin to assert themselves.
Like I see what could be done to make things better. I see how people are being mistreated and overlooked. Undervalued and their talents appreciated. I hate that kind of waste. And the reasons usually have to do with fear that has become part of the way of doing things.
Today, I didn’t have an idea of what to draw so I drew the chaos within me, as it seems what I have tried so far, hasn’t worked and has lead to dead ends. Maybe I should, as my student did, study the dead ends more closely.
The shape of what is in formation is often defined by its absence. It’s like learning to see and taking a long look into the negative space in your life.
Here’s an example of negative space for reference:
The interesting thing is not only do you see the picture differently, but you also become aware of your habitual ways of perceiving.
In this picture, do you see a young woman or old woman?
Sometimes it’s easier to see one, but not the other.
So back to my student, who was in crisis. He could have kept knocking on doors with the same offer and considered it a numbers game. But he chose to read the feedback and do something different.
What felt like a crisis, a dead end, a closed door, literally slammed in his face, was pointing me towards an opening. He decided to look for the opening.
What looks like chaos one moment in the cycle of endless creation.
In nature, what is dying always feeds new life. But when it’s happening, to you, it’s hard to recognize the nascent pattern in formation, and harder to believe that this could be giving birth to something new, especially when what it is, doesn’t appear for quite awhile.
Seeds often spend an entire season under the ground, in darkness.
