Lottery Living

When I am honest with myself, I know I want to be an empire builder, to create a community for myself, and for others to thrive, creatively, financially, spiritually.

I took the job with the Community Newspaper because I saw the sliver of a possibility that this might be the way to build community with the people around me — strangers and friends. That stories told by local people to each other was a way of reweaving the tattered web of our social bonds.

The reality of outside sales slapped me in the face, and woke me up from that dream, put me in my place with a smack. If you want to survive, do what you are told, follow the rules, don’t want what you the world doesn’t want to give you.

I try to conform, to play it small, to do what it takes to pay the rent.

But playing by rules is exhausting.

i am struck by the reality that most jobs don’t use and often suppress talents and creative energies of their employees.

It’s all I can do to get through the day, to keep some semblance of that bigger life that once felt to be within reach.

I make a new plan to work, to save, to buy a ticket for the life that I dream of, but always seems to elude me.

It’s what I call lottery life living — waiting, hoping, reaching, working for the secret, the key, the golden ticket that will give me the life I’ve always wanted.

But it never quite arrives.

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